37

#nofilter

37:

~ a prime number, meaning that it only has 2 positive divisors, 1 and itself

~ an odd number, meaning that it can't be evenly divided by 2
AND

~ the year of life I'm celebrating today!

Consistent with the last few years, this one was chock full of major change.

Let's recap 36:
So there were some milestones and significant events

• I became TJ, Ph.D.
• I lost a pet and gained a new one. 
• I celebrated a year of marriage with my hubby. 
• I started a new career.  
• I climbed mountains in the Grand Canyon.
• I chopped all of my hair off. 
• I fell in love with blogging.

Then there were some more personal milestones, too.

• I learned that just because things don't pan out the way we want, there's always something greater on the horizon.
• I de-emphasized physical beauty and really looked inside of myself. 
• I learned that I am a pro at riding the wave of change. 
• Sometimes when things are really messed up, you have to speak out. 

I'm not a big birthday person.  I mean, I'm grateful for another year, but I don't need big celebrations and declarations. Unlike years 35 and 36, this year I'm excited, but it's a simmering, calm excitement.  I've decided that I want to live 37 a new and fearless way. I keep asking myself, "Girl, what would your life look like if you stopped being so damn afraid all of the time?" Being afraid is tiring - afraid of saying/doing the wrong thing, afraid of what my students and colleagues think of me, afraid of the feedback I'll get when I submit articles, blah, blah, blah. Whew! Enough.

My husband and I had a long talk about fearlessness the other night, and I tried to think back to the last time I felt like I was totally fearless.  I was probably 10 - excelling academically, busy being the head of all kinds of little organizations, always trying to make my voice heard.  Lately I've been trying to figure out when I strayed.  This world can be hard, and somewhere along the way I lost my fearlessness. I have a girlfriend who's motto is "F@ck perfection." I think mine is going to be "F@ck fear." So in the spirit of f@cking fear, here are my hopes for 37:

May I continue to become more of myself. May I continue down the path of learning to say no.  May I continue to cut all of the unnecessary apologies. May I be a better wife. May I continue to deepen my friendships and make space for new ones. May I become a better teacher, and strictly enforce my due dates.  May I grow in wisdom and knowledge, keep on dodging gray hairs, and get carded occasionally to give my self-esteem a boost. And may I do all of this while realizing that a force so much greater than me is orchestrating it all.  This life is divinely inspired; may I remember this when I feel fear creeping in. After all, He didn't give us the spirit of fear. 

Y'all, 37 is about to be a big one. I'm bout to get it! Don't know what exactly "it" is yet, but I'm on a mission to find out. I believe God is about to get loose all over my life.  I mean, look at 36. He loves to show out! I'm about to make my inner-10-year-old proud as I grow in fearlessness.

"Don't buh-lee me, jes' watch." ~ Trinidad James

Until next time . . . I'll be grooving to my (and Hov's) birthday song, December 4th.